Hello and Happy Sunday. You know what that means ~ another blog update! So, lets all take a deep breath in and let out a collective sigh, that this is happening ya’ll.
Fear comes in many different forms depending on the situation involved. That’s a really big news flash for you and it doesn’t take a Psychiatrist to charge you a $100.00/hr. to figure that one out.
The fear of a test, water, bugs, planes, crowds or dangerous events…the list is vast.
Merriam Webster defines fear as “anxiety and usually loss of courage. fear of the unknown dread usually adds the idea of intense reluctance to face or meet a person or situation and suggests aversion as well as anxiety.”
Ooh, the loss of courage. That just sounds bad, but alas, tis true. The loss of strength and courage to complete or face a task. Damn…that sounds real bad.
Fear can have a positive effect such as fleeing a burning building. But for many, fear causes anxiety and plays on our inability to understand unknown events. Therefore, we fear unnecessarily before the outcome is really understood or known.
What yellow brick road am I taking you down this time you ask ~ hills of course. You know those beautiful tree lined things in the forest or whatever rural area you’d like to wrap your head around tonight.
I fear hills. Or better ~ I fear my inability to get up the hills. Or better yet ~ I fear my inability to get up the hills and fall. There…now we get to the crux of the situation. The final outcome has three possibilities 1) I get up the hill, 2) I’m able to unclip in time and walk up the hill, 3) I am convinced I am Wonder Woman and therefore find out otherwise and fall on the hill.
This weeks training ride was to be around 40 miles. I drove out to Prince William Park early Saturday morning, the weather was great and I was in the mood to ride. I could tell in the first 10 miles this wasn’t going to be an easy ride. I was a little winded and frankly a little tired this week. Then it became mental and fear set in or should I say anxiety. When I reached mile marker 7 I actually started feeling a sense of dread, because I knew what was coming at mile 8. This was fear, I was already thinking in my mind that I wasn’t going to be able to climb three consecutive hills for two miles, much less do it three more times. Even though I had done it the previous week. I had no idea what the outcome would be, but I was already thinking the worst. I was thinking about unclipping, I had the fear that I was going to fall. Riders know the pain from that one. If you’ve never clipped into pedals on a bike, it’s a sobering experience. Everybody falls. That is the mantra. But….it’s scary. Trying to unclip when the shit hits the fan…is well scary. Must I say it again? Yes…it’s tres mui. And falling…hurts. I have had anxiety of falling since, well, my last fall.
I pass the 8 mile marker and immediately I’m in a dark zone of anxiety. I round this corner after descending feeling all soulful, then the bike Gods thunder ~ “God giveth…and he taketh away”! Oh yeah, he took it away ~ that feeling of riding down a hill, green trees lining the street, wind in your face, creek on the side of the road and the beware of bears sign….yeah good times. I round that corner and it hits you in the face. It doesn’t even kiss you first. It’s just like…let’s get to the good stuff. This was the first one. Let’s call it, baby. I manage to make it up this one, heart pounding out of my chest. My eyes look like that kid from the Little Rascals. I’m even practicing getting out of my seat. I make it up, but there is no smile on my face. Then there is a teaser hill to follow. No one likes a tease. You descend a bit then there is a little climb…then Papa hill is right around the corner waiting for you. Kind of like when you were a kid and acted up at school, you knew that Papa would be waiting at the door with the belt to give your ass another go when you got home for slapping another kid at school. Southerners will know exactly what I’m taking about. Well, lets just say ~ my ass got beaten in a major way. Halfway up the hill I was done. I wasn’t even going to try it, because I was so afraid of falling. Even unclipping was hard (especially if you try to do it ascending) and I began to panic a bit. I unclipped and did the walk of shame up the hill. I was mentally done for the day. I then made the plan to just ride back and forth and avoid the major hills. Wasn’t even gonna try the Momma hill. No.
The only way to get around this can be with more practice and mental clarity. I love the mental challenge that cycling gives me, but as you can see I have a long way to go. Challenge accepted 🙂 It’s just one of those things I’m going to have to get past. Focusing and being present would have helped too. My mind was too busy concentrating on something that didn’t even happen or may not have happened. The fall. This can happen in every day life. Wasting so much energy on the unknown. Courage in all ways….
Ok, squirrel moment ~ what happened to the spell check on WordPress, anyone know?
Back…I have continued to gain miles for 9 straight days. I had 60.20 miles for the week with my long ride coming to 22.87. I have 4662.78 miles waiting for me to grow a backbone. A few pics from the week:
This week’s song is by the Toadies. Awesome and describes this week perfectly….
“When I’am away….come on in, yeah”